I remember when…

I remember when  I thought I was a lesbian,

but receiving felt so uncomfortable and wrong.

I remember when I lost my virginity – to a man

but it left me feeling disgusted, sore, and wrong.

I remember when I dumped an abusive boyfriend –

I never looked back – I felt so liberated!

I remember when I donated my clothes,

because they were too girly for me.

I remember when I told my mom about my gender –

and she told me not to tell my father – shame.

I remember when I called the trans helpline

and realized my sex and gender baffled me.

I remember when I got my first chest binder –

and admired my flat, masculine chest.

I remember the start of my transition, and how much more comfortable I was being me.


Stand to pee fun (or not)

I ordered a STP (stand to pee) packer (fake penis) as well as a harness. It fits well. It’s getting used to that’s the problem!

My first day I thought I had to squish it hard against my uhh .. cockpit. Nope. Made a mess. Changed pants often. It was also hard to start the stream. Anxiety. But it was cool to see the stream come out where it’s supposed to. 

I threw away my scrotal support thing that I bought to try, before throwing $30 on a proper harness. I had cut a separate hole for my fake balls. After accidents, I gave up until my harness came. Much easier. More practice. 

I learned to just let it sit comfortably in the harness and let it flow. No fancy hand tricks, just slow the stream. It worked. No more messes. It’s been a week and I’m peeing like a champ. Standing up. Practice makes perfect.

I see my counsellor on Tuesday. Yay! Closer to “T” (testosterone). She’s setting me up with a GP there, since my “new” one fired me for cancelling the meet and greet for having a fucking emergency. I gave them 24 hours notice.

I called, they bitched me out and told me to, basically, Fuck off. I’ve been there since 2012 and my GP moved. How goddamn nasty.

The bonus: it’s an LGBTQ friendly centre. My awesome counsellor called me after I got the news and said “well, no new patients but you’ve been here since 2013 and can access any care provider here. I’ll help you on Tuesday”. She rocks.


The difference a hairdo and glasses make

Playing around with my hair today. Slicked it back. Never wore it like this before, it’s actually quite long for me. It took a lot of gel (sorry M, I ran out) and hairspray, but it looks much better. I also got my glasses from Zenni today. Kids sized! But male. Check out my new look.

Also, I’ve been trying too hard with my STP packer. I’ve gotta let it go and let it flow (TMI!) Less mess. Not ready to use it in public, but no more, uh, accidents. And it makes “walking like a man” easier because, well, there’s something there! Enough about my bladder and fake penis for today.  I’ll find something more interesting to write about tomorrow!


Facial hair and Photoshop

Well, as you know, I’m pre-everything. Hopefully not for too much longer.

But I like Photoshop. So here’s some pics I did up with me with facial hair.Click for full view, I’m pretty light-haired. Not the best PS job, it was 4am, and I was half asleep.


On a more serious note

I came out to my psychiatrist today. I’ve been seeing a gender therapist since early 2014. He was supportive, took it in stride, asked what my plans were, suggested a doctor for hormones. I was quite pleased.

For that that don’t know, I have SZA – Schizoaffective disorder. Take one part schizophrenia, one part bipolar disorder, add to mixer, shake vigorously, blammo, you’ve got what I’ve got.

My psychiatrist also says I’m in remission.

Wohoo! Good day, except for the bad crap, but not getting into that.

I was a bit worried about my psychiatrist. He’s not terribly old, maybe older 40’s, but he is a different culture, and, ahh fuckit. He’s always been supportive of me. I don’t know why I get so nervous.

He’s willing to write letters for hormones and whatnot.

7 days until I see my gender therapist.

I was pretty anxious telling my psychiatrist. He smiled, talked in his usual calming, kind, voice, and supported me. He says my idea of starting low dose “T” is a good one, and he supports me. He’s a great doc. He’s never once raised his voice to me, or been upset with me.

I wish all doctors were like him.


Stand to Pee FTM

I ordered my STP (stand to pee) packer from Come As You Are and the shipping time was soo fast, plus its in Canadian dollars, with free shipping if you order over $50, or subscribe to the mailing list. I bought a scrotal support thing from the pharmacy, but it sucked, so I bought a harness, too. I got that today!

form-function-model-d-stp-1I felt an instant rush when I saw that piece of silicone in my hand. I hooked it into my scrotal support thingy (waste of $20) and cut a hole for my new, silicone, balls. I went to the bathroom, pulled off my pants and underpants, and tried to pee.

Then I tried harder.

Harder again. Not easy.

Then the stream started. What a rush when it came out of the tip. Well, it also came out of the back. I pissed all over the toilet (I didn’t have the lid up, derp), the floor, my legs. Good thing I was pantsless. I adjusted. Nope. I finally finished peeing, cleaned up my mess, and the packer, and snapped it into my undies. Try, try again. But first, I ordered a proper harness.

2016-12-06-20-40-13So I tried again a few more times, in the shower, without the scrotal support. My roommate must think I shower a bazillion times a day. I finally put it away (in my pants) and strutted around. Finally, I can take dick pics. So I did. Lots of dick pics. Turns out I know nada about male anatomy. So, I put it away for the weekend and my harness arrived on Tuesday. My MTF trans friend told me that my dick pics were all wrong. Oops. She told me how to wear it correctly. Yay for advice. When I got my harness, I was stoked.

First attempt: Yay! But I put an old towel down, just in case, got outta my pants and undies. Second attempt, yay! Third attempt, some spillage. It does get easier. And now I know how to walk and sit like a man. Boy, does it feel wonderful. Standing while peeing is so much more exciting than one would think. It feels so right.And I even have a bulge in my pajamas. Look closely. And that is enough intenet for now.




An introduction

img_0800Hi, I’m Sann Dylan and I’m a trans guy. This is my little space online to share the ups and downs and all arounds! I started seeing a gender therapist in 2014 and transitioning in 2016. Currently I’m pre-everything.

img_0830I identify as male and am going through the pre-hormone androgynous phase. My voice is low for a female, high for a male. I want to get on “T” (testosterone) and share my experience. I am currently coming out and presenting as a male. Here are some pics. I’m 5’3 and 105lbs.

img_0838I bind and wear an STP packer. It’s hard learning how to pee standing up! (TMI anyone?) I’m from Ontario, Canada and live with my cat, Mittens and my awesome roommate, M. More to follow!